how much i miss this girl. how much i really love this girl. how much i wish i could my way back to her. just looking at our old pictures reminds that while we had our fights and arguments from time to time, we were happy and in love.

treating you so badly? forgetting to tell you how much i love you? for letting you go? for giving up? everyday thoughts of you cross my mind. sometimes i catch myself laughing about the way you make your faces when you want something now. other times i want to break down and cry because i miss what we had so badly. i didnt want to say goodbye i still dont. i still hold you close to my heart. we can fight, we can yell, and we can drift apart. but nothing that comes between us will ever extinguish my love for you. i still love you.

school starts tomorrow.

i think im at a point in my life where i dont know what i should be doing with myself.  since i dont know i sit around losing precious time where I could be doing something constructive and improving myself.  theres a point in every persons life where you should step back and take a very honest and very real look at what you want in life and the abilities you accel at, then if your wants can be met with those skills.  I think that I have reached that point and i need to be honest with myself about what I am good at and what I am not good at. 

Since i was a kid i have longed to become a video game designer.  You would think that after having a desire for such a long time that I would have taken a few steps in that direction.  Not I.  I've dabled in programming and game design but done nothing of significance or worth noting.  While I am a decent programmer, its my mathematical abilities that hinder me the most.  Anything scientific becomes a daunting task after a few basic steps simply because my mathematical problem solving abilities just are not all that great.  Thats not necessarly as there are plenty of other careers and majors out there that don't require math as an integral part.  Perhaps I rush things to much and with some work I could better grasp the concepts, but all in all my mind just isnt as analytical as I would like it to be sometimes. 

Lately I have desired to become a film director.  I would love to write my scripts then put them onto the silver screen.  People have always complemented my writings, but I have always shrugged them off believing that my writing is no better than anyone elses.  Perhaps my writing is better than my math reasoning and should be something to consider for a future major.  Perhaps picking a major like journalism or film production where writing is a more integral part of the job would be better suited for me.  Either way, I think that I'll be happier doing something I'm really good at versus not quite measuring up to my dreams.  Maybe writing is something that I'm good enough to do professinally, maybe its my athletic ability.  I've always thought the military was a good combination of mind and body and i have been hearing the "call of duty" a lot lately. 

Like just about every night, when I get off work I come home and watch the news (o'reily factor & hardball followed by countdown with keith oberman) and i started to think about who i wanted to vote for.  Originally I had just planned on voting for nader because i didnt really care for either of the candidates but I still felt i had to fulfill my civic duties and vote.  For what reason I'm not sure, but tonight I felt as if that was just not acceptable.  Our system is currently set up to support no more than two political parties, thus making voting for a third party irrelevant.  I thought that maybe I should consider one of the two primary candidates instead so at least i have some say in whatever mess comes out of this election.  The more I see Bush focus more on the military and foreign affairs the more it makes me want to have someone in office who is going to work to make this country better for me to live in.  I'm really quite tired of everyone caring about what happens to the Iraqi people (though now that we are there we cant realy back out).  I don't think im switching political parties ( well maybe, id kinda like to call myself independent since I dont really share the same views with either party, its more mixed) but i would like to give someone else a chance in office who will concentrate on america.

what if one day you come to find out that some of the things that you would have called the worst mistakes or worst events in your life actually turn out to be the best thing that could happen to you?

sometimes i feel like my skull is going to crack open and spill my brains out onto the ground because of all my flipflopping on decisions i am constantly making.  one minute i want to move away and the next i want to fix all that is broken here.  what i wouldnt give to hold my darling for just a moment right now.  to see her face, to kiss those lips, and to hold her in my arms again would be bliss.

its been some time since ive made one of these public.  inbetween all the emotional angst that i have to vent privately and the giant rut my life has been in, i havent had any newsworthy events.  this last week ive felt the pressure of choosing some sort of path for my life and then making that move.  its been riding on my mind and consuming every single thought, leaving me to fully explore teh consequences of each path i could take.  out of the three most viable paths i have available to me i have chosen one.  I could go into the military and persue some sort of military career assuming that I don't die first.  While it would be quite an adventure I can think of better things to do with my time then give my body away for a few thousand bucks.  I could wait around for someone where i could be happier than imaginable and live and breathe for that person.  Then again this person may never come around and I can't spend my days laying in bed due to the all consuming depression that has taken my mind waiting for that someone.  OR i could move out to colorado, 300 sunny days on avg / year, beautiful mountains, world class snowboarding, and affordable education.  out of those three choices i've decided to make the move to colorado at the end of this semester.  I have to live there fore a year without going to school ot obtain residency, but with the University of Colorado, Boulder costing a mere $2,500 / semester i think its well worth it.  if you cant tell im super excited because not only do i get to have a year of being a ski bum where i do nothing but eat sleep work snowboard & skate, but its in a beautiful state and most importantly its a decision im mkaing for me.  

well i got a new idea for a new movie while skating with peter and we will be making it tomorrow night (would have tonight but we had to get permission from the manager of a grocery store and he wouldnt let us till tomorrow night). I think you will all enjoi it very much and i will post it as soon as its finished. Expect sunday for the release. arr im excited.

Been awhile since ive updated.  Last couple weeks have been good to me.  I went to branson / buffalo river over 4th july and had a blast.  Work was shitty and has been since i got back but I saw teh girl this weekend and got a big paycheck so all worked out nicely.  The time spent with the girl was absolutely amazing but im left with a few problems / questions.

What i know
1.) i know i love her
2.) i know she has feelings for me somewheres in her.
3.) i know she makes all lifes bullshit worth it.

What my heart tells me
1.) that i love that girl more than anything
2.) that i have to move closer to her.

What I don't know
1.) I dont know where her feelings are (i see them for a brief second and they disapear)
2.) if she is ready for a relationship again